just needed to lift a weight...

I have so many thoughts on the new baby comming, how she is going to change the way david and i live, I mean we dont really have a normal lifestyle. We do what we want when we want.. We are pretty much home bodies although i think that is due to where we live... We eat sleep and watch tv in our room... I cant tell you the last time we sat at the dinner table to have dinner oh wait yeah i can it was last year valentines day... We get up and go to bed whenever we feel the need. I know that on saturdays,David doesnt rise untill about 1 or 2 in the afternoon.. I normally i am up by 10am and recently have been taking a nap around 5 or 6 and then going to bed around ummm lets say from 11pm-330am... Hoildays come and go without thought... Birthdays are about the same... You would think we would have friends being we have had no kids and i have lived here for my whole life... Well i have one friend that lives here.. God knows i love her, but we live very different lifestyles... Then the other people i would count as friends are ummm lets see my parnets age.... People that i have grown up around... i would put them in a age bracket of 40-70 years old... The closest family member on myside would be my sister who lives about 5 hours away. David's closest family member that he talks to would be his brother in oklahoma...Which is about 16-18 hours away driving stright thru.

So wow is this baby going to change our lives or what... I am really excited about having this baby... I want that family sense that i had when i was little and i know david had.. I of course cant wait for the hoildays when we have our little one to share it with.. The hoildays i look foreward to the most are christmas,easter and her birthday...I am really excited about sharing the forth of july with her.. This is for sure her dads, favorite hoilday,David HATES the 4th of july here... I think it makes him sad, although we know he would and will never say that... From what he tells me 4th of july was one of his dads favorite hoildays and he remebers going to his uncle jackies and having a huge get together..Since i have been with him i can remeber one 4th of july that he seemed to have a good time...This comming time in our lives i am excited about normal days just as i am for the years hoildays... I really want to spend as much time with our little girl as possiable and i want to remeber as much as i possiable can... I know how fast they grow..

Now my other thoughts and feelings

I have so many fears about having this baby girl, I look at David and I, I know we arent goint to be conventional parnets. I know I didnt live a sheltered life at all.. I mean my parnets didnt go by the book with me with anything i dont think.. My mom had already had 2 girls before me and my dad had already had a boy. David was the last baby of 4 kids. So I dont know, I just feel really unsure about this baby i feel like time is flying by i feel like i am just stuck and i am so not ready to have a baby, I know its a little late to have these thoughts. I mean i want to have a baby but i am afraid that we are going to fail as parnets... I have this slight fear and feeling bad feeling of bringing a child into this unsure world. I mean I wont even watch the news cause i just want to cry and go live in a cave... When I got preganant I had these feelings of resentment because i didnt have my mom here with me or to share the experience with me... So that went away, and now its more of I hate living in las vegas cause we have no one to be with during this time. I mean its just David and I. I feel so left out or not even left out just forgoten about. It sucks... I know that i am susposed to feel all these hormones and all but i feel like could these feelings be transported to our baby does she feel like she isnt wanted, or that she feels what i feel.. I dont know i wish i could just pack up and move away...Well thats all for now just had a mind boggling thoughts and needed to get them all out